In my TV news days, I had a go-to last question.
The sit-down interview is winding down. We’re almost out of time. I’d ask, “Is there anything I didn’t ask you that you think is important to know?”
It sounds like a smart question. Generous, even.
Mostly, it was a stall. While the person answered, I was scanning my mental list of questions, working out what I still needed ask and what I was going to say next.
I was in the room. But, if I'm being honest, I wasn’t listening.
Stephen Covey had a line for this in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: most people listen “with the intent to reply.” On an Instagram Reel you might hear it as "are you listening to respond, or are you listening to understand"?
I could get away with it because the tape was rolling.
More than once, I found out in the edit bay what that cost. The softball question gave people a second chance to say what they’d been trying to say all along, shorter and tighter. Some of the best soundbites I ever put on the air, I never heard in the room.
I think about that with new couples.
Most of them want to go straight to the hard thing that brought them in. (Well, at least one partner wants to go straight into the hard thing.) But if they are sitting on that couch in front of me, most of them aren’t ready. So early on, we practice. One partner talks for 30 seconds about something harmless, like weekend plans. The other repeats it back.
That round usually goes well. More often than not it's jovial, with some chuckles. Kinda fun, actually.
Then we try it with a little edge. I tell them not to go for the jugular. If an affair brought them in, this isn’t the time for the affair. Try “I feel hurt when you ignore my texts.” Or “I feel frustrated that you have zero concept of how much we owe on our credit cards.”
That’s when the squirming starts.
The listener is working hard not to interrupt or defend. I know what’s happening, because I used to do it for a living. They’re scanning their list. Mine was questions. Theirs is rebuttals.
In the "Before The Conversations" chapter of The Hold Me Tight Workbook Dr. Sue Johnson writes "...big sweeping general comments are overwhelming and trigger alarms in a person's fight-or-flight response. Once we are in alarm mode, our ability to listen and respond to information diminishes." In other words, once the sirens go off, skills alone won’t carry the conversation. I’m with her. Thirty seconds of repeating back during a session won't repair a bond.
What it does is let a couple feel the pull to jump in while the stakes are still low. They notice it. For once, it doesn’t get to run the conversation.
At home, there’s no tape. Nobody gets an edit bay. If the listener misses it in the moment, it’s gone, and the speaker can tell.
So for 30 seconds, I ask the listener to be the tape.
The second time around they almost always tell me... It’s harder than it sounds.
Then they repeat it back anyway.
Most of the time, they get it right.
Now on with this week's Ohio EFT Newsletter:
The One Thing Strong Couples Do When They Fight.
By Anna Borges on October 12th, 2026
With this mindset, conflict can actually make your relationship more resilient, experts say.
The Scientific Case For Being Less In Touch With Your Friends.
By Adam Grant on October 12th, 2026
Research reveals that the frequency of interaction does not determine the quality of a relationship. Dr. Adam Grant is an organizational psychologist at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania. This essay is adapted from his new book, “Vibe.”
What If A.D.H.D. Isn’t About Attention At All?
By Awais Aftab on October 12th, 2026
Evidence suggests that it really affects what psychiatrists like me call sustained engagement — an important difference in understanding how to think about the condition.
Core Skills 1 & 2: Coming To Ohio In 2027.
By Ohio EFT on October 12th, 2026
Dr. Hawkins returns!
After August’s Externship, Dr. James Hawkins returns to Columbus January 28–30, 2027, for Core Skills 1 & 2.
Keep an eye on your inbox. We’ll soon send everything you need to know, including how to register.
10% Discount Exclusive -Bridging the Divide: Addressing Sexual Concerns in EFT Therapy.
By Lisa Blum on October 12th, 2026
Silvina Irwin (EFT Trainer) and I (Lisa Blum, EFT Supervisor) from the EFT Center of Los Angeles, invite the members of the Ohio EFT community to attend our upcoming training, “Bridging the Divide: Addressing Sexual Concerns in EFT Therapy,” an online training for EFT-informed practitioners on working with the sexual relationship in EFT couples sessions.
Just a small sampling of the topics we will explore in our two-day seminar:
· What’s happening when EFT therapy helps the couple feel more connected, but sex hasn't come back online
· Important assessment areas to really understand what is blocking a couple’s sexual connection
· Identifying markers for when it is safe to introduce touch exercises as homework
The online webinar takes place on Friday, December 11 and Monday, December 14th, 2026. There is also an optional half-day practical skills applications workshop on Friday afternoon, February 5, 2027, to put into practice all the actionable learning from the two-day seminar.
All details and registration can be found here.
We want to extend a discount of 10% to members of your community who register for this event, using the code “EFTC” during registration.
The Next Ohio EFT Virtual Call Is Friday, October 30th.
By Ohio EFT on October 12th, 2026
Join us at 9:00am on Friday, October 30th as we continue our discussion series about Emotionally Focused Therapy.
Last month we started at the beginning. This month we'll move into Step 2 of Stage 1's De-escalation process: identifying the negative interactional cycle. It's the moment couples start to see the pattern itself, instead of each other, as the problem.
Hope to see you there!
Your Pain Is Real. But Beware Social Media Psychiatry.
By Erica Sloan on October 12th, 2026
The diagnosis is supposed to come after the symptoms. Online, it often comes first.
You’re Finally Empty Nesters. You’re Fighting More Than Ever. Here’s What To Do.
By Joshua Coleman on October 12th, 2026
This life transition can often change relationship dynamics in unexpected ways. A therapist recommends some tips for reconnecting with your partner.
It Can Keep Cancer In Remission. Why Is No One Talking About It?
By Nina Agrawal on October 12th, 2026
Despite mounting evidence that exercise programs can improve cancer outcomes, access to them remains limited.
