She was mid-sentence, talking about a loneliness that had been weighing on her for months. Just then her husband pulled out his phone, said "Oh, I gotta take this. Sorry," and walked out of the session.
The door clicked shut. She just stared at me and blinked.
He wasn't trying to be cruel. We all sensed that it wasn't even really about the phone.
At our Externship earlier this summer, Dr. James Hawkins shared a question he asks couples: How does the negative interaction cycle move within you, and how does that play out between you?
That husband left because he had nothing to offer her at that moment. Zilch. He had no fix, no answer, nothing that would make the loneliness untrue. The phone provided him with somewhere else to go to avoid facing a problem in the relationship. That's the armor: protection from feeling inadequate in front of the one person whose opinion of him matters most.
After the door shut, while she sat blinking at me, it became clear: his armor was her wound, live, in real time. She'd taken the risk of saying she felt lonely out loud, to him. And the moment she did, he left the room because the words mattered too much for him to know what to do with them. She couldn't see that part. What she saw instead was proof that reaching for him costs her the very connection she was reaching for.
This is what Hawkins named: one person's protection is the other person's trigger. He was protecting himself rather than attacking her; yet it still landed on her. In a relationship there’s no such thing as private armor.
Underneath almost every protective move, such as the phone call for this couple, there's something more vulnerable going unsaid. A longing to be needed. A fear of being not enough. The protection is the visible layer. The ache is the one nobody's pointing at.
At the Externship Hawkins put it in a headline: your body will privilege protection over connection if it feels like you might die. Nobody in that awkward therapy session was dying. But nervous systems don't always know the difference between social danger and the real thing, and a body convinced it's under threat will take the exit even when staying would have cost far less.
I mention this story because this is where the real work starts. A couple who can see the cycle is no longer aiming at each other. They're aiming at a pattern they can learn to interrupt.
I don't know if that husband ever asked his wife what he missed by taking that call. I hope, someday, his hand goes to his pocket and — just once — he leaves the phone where it is.
Now on with this week's Ohio EFT Newsletter:
A Better Way to End Relationships.
By Jancee Dunn on September 14th, 2026
If you’re tempted to ghost someone, try a “connected goodbye” instead.
Worried About Your College Kid? Now You Can Hire a Local Mom.
By Kristy Alpert on September 14th, 2026
At some universities, parents can pay to make sure their children are cared for, the way they were back home.
The A.I. Therapist - Part 3: The Wild West Of A.I. Therapy Laws.
By WSJ Podcast on September 14th, 2026
You’ve heard about how AI tools could help meet demand for mental-health treatment, as well as some of the risks involved. Several U.S. states have passed laws limiting what these chatbots are able to do, leading to some changes in the industry. Meanwhile, federal regulators are taking a look at the AI therapy space. In the third and final episode of the Wall Street Journal's series “The AI Therapist,” What’s News PM host Alex Ossola delves into the changing regulatory landscape and where AI mental-health tools could go from here.
How A.D.H.D. Changes as You Age.
By Dana G. Smith on September 14th, 2026
Researchers are learning more about the ways symptoms can emerge, disappear and evolve.
The Next Ohio EFT Virtual Call Is Friday, September 25th.
By Ohio EFT on August 31st, 2026
Join us at 9:00am on Friday, September 25th as we continue our discussion series about Emotionally Focused Therapy.
This month we'll be discussing the foundations of EFT starting with the De-escalation process of Stage 1 and the very first step of the process: Creating a therapeutic alliance and assessing the couple's conflict.
Hope to see you there!
September Is the New January.
By Jancee Dunn on September 14th, 2026
Harness that back-to-school energy to set some new goals.
Here’s Why Emotions Drive You To Spend — And How To Stop The Habit.
By Casey Gueren on September 14th, 2026
Clicking “Buy now” can feel like the quick fix you need on a hard day. But allowing feelings to regularly drive your purchasing can have disastrous consequences.
How to Feed Your Feelings After Divorce.
By Anna Martin on September 14th, 2026
The chef and cookbook author Carla Lalli became single for the first time in 24 years. She started to follow her own cravings.
Get to Know Your Phone’s Built-In Emergency Kit.
By J.D. Beirsdorfer on September 14th, 2026
In times of natural disasters and other dangers, special features tucked away on your iPhone or Android device could help make a difference.
