I have played exactly one office pool in my life.
It was Super Bowl squares. Early 2000s. When I worked at WSB-TV in Atlanta.
I don't follow football. I never have. I'm not even sure I knew who was playing. But someone passed around a grid, everyone was doing it, and I threw in my twenty bucks.
I won.
I don't remember the dollar amount. I do remember the feeling.
For about thirty seconds I felt like the smartest person in the building. Like I had cracked some kind of code.
I never played again. But in that moment, I understood — on a small, consequence-free scale — exactly why people do.
March is Problem Gambling Awareness Month, and next Tuesday, March 10th, is Gambling Disorder Screening Day. According to the National Council on Problem Gambling, an estimated 2.5 million U.S. adults meet the criteria for severe gambling problems in a given year.
That's a lot of people chasing that feeling I had with my Super Bowl square.
I am not an addiction therapist. I haven't done the specific training. I don't hold myself out as an expert in substance use.
But here's what I've learned after a few years of doing couples work: addiction shows up constantly.
Gambling. Alcohol. Pornography. Those are my top three. Regularly enough that I've had to figure out how to hold it clinically in a way that's useful to the couples sitting across from me.
The reframe that's helped me most?
The addiction is doing a job.
Addiction as an Attachment Disorder author Philip Flores makes the case that for many people, substances and addictive behaviors function as affect regulators — ways of managing overwhelming internal states when healthier options either don't exist or don't feel accessible.
In other words: when life gets to be too much, people reach for what works.
And for someone who never learned — or was never allowed — to reach for another person, a drink or a bet or a screen can feel like the most reliable thing in the world. It's available. It doesn't reject you. It doesn't ask you to be vulnerable.
It just... works. Until it doesn't.
Now let's raise the stakes.
The partner who isn't gambling — or drinking, or watching porn — is scared. They're angry. They want their person back. So they protest and plead. Sometimes they explode.
And what does protest feel like to someone who already struggles to tolerate emotional intensity?
More pain. More pull toward the thing that works.
The partner escalates. The addicted partner withdraws further into the behavior. The cycle takes on a life of its own.
In EFT we talk about the negative cycle as the enemy — not the individuals in it. That's never more true than when addiction is in the room. The cycle isn't just damaging the relationship. The cycle is feeding the addiction.
Here's the part that stopped me cold when I read it.
Flores writes: “Until healthy forms of affect regulation are developed, the addicted individual will always be vulnerable to substitute one addiction for another. Paradoxically, addicted individuals will never be able to discover other forms of affect regulation as long as they stay attached to substances.” (p. 219)
The thing that's managing the pain is the very thing preventing them from learning to manage pain any other way.
That's the trap. That's why willpower alone doesn't work. That's why ultimatums, as understandable as they are, often don't work either. You can't remove someone's only regulation tool and expect them to be fine.
You have to replace it with something.
This is where EFT has something real to offer — even for those of us who aren't addiction specialists.
A secure attachment relationship is, among other things, a felt sense of safety — a place where emotional intensity can be brought, held, and survived. When couples begin to build that, the relationship itself starts to function as an affect regulator.
The partner becomes someone you can reach for instead of reaching past.
What do you reach for when life gets to be too much?
That's a long way from a Super Bowl square.
But I keep thinking about that feeling. Thirty seconds of feeling like I'd cracked the code. Imagine needing that feeling just to get through the day.
That's the work.
Now on with this week’s Ohio EFT Newsletter:
Can You Get The Same Benefits From Friendship As Romantic Relationships?
by Lindsey Bever on March 2nd, 2026
Love doesn’t have to be romantic to improve your life. Research shows that friendships, especially high-quality ones, are key for health and well-being.
My Son and His Wife Fight Dirty. Should I Get Involved?
by Lori Gottlieb on March 2nd, 2026
The New York Times Ask the Therapist columnist, Lori Gottlieb, advises a reader who feels frozen amid family conflict.
The ‘4 Horsemen’ That Suggest Your Relationship Is In Trouble.
by Yael Schonbrun on March 2nd, 2026
When couples recognize the pain beneath their conflict patterns and help each other feel understood, it can lead to a reconnection.
Save The Date! EFT Externship with Dr. James Hawkins.
by Ohio EFT on March 2nd, 2026
We’ve been working behind the scenes to secure an in-person EFT Externship in Ohio for 2026, and we’ve just secured the dates for Dr. James Hawkins to lead 4 days of intensive training in the Columbus area. Mark you calendars now for August 5th through the 8th for this immersive training experience. Keep an eye on this newsletter for more details.
Grief Doesn’t Follow A Script.
by Darnell Lamont Walker on March 2nd, 2026
A death doula reflects on the many ways people process loss — even when tears don’t come.
I Thought Oversharing Was Career Suicide. Then I Tried It.
by Leslie John on March 2nd, 2026
For most of my professional life, I thought credibility came from maintaining control. I learned that sometimes it comes from letting go.
The Next Ohio EFT Virtual Call - Friday, March 27th.
by Ohio EFT on March 2nd, 2026
Join us at 9:00am on Friday, March 27th as we explore EFT Step 6 - a critical component of Stage 2. In this step, we’re changing interaction patterns. Sessions focus on promoting acceptance of the partner’s new, vulnerable constructions of experience.
We’ll include the link in the next edition of the newsletter.
Should Your Therapy Session Be Outdoors? More Therapists Are Trying It.
by Maggie Penman on March 2nd, 2026
A growing body of research shows that getting outside is good for mood and memory. Some therapists are bringing their practices outdoors to boost the benefits.
The Problem With Sleep Right Now Is Shame About Sleep.
by Elizabeth Bernstein on March 2nd, 2026
How to stop feeling bad about your sleep and get a good night’s rest
