In the world of therapy, there's something everyone’s missing that’s right under their noses. It's like that perfect tool in your grandpa's shed - seemingly basic but oh-so-useful. So, what's this magic formula? It's called REV: Reflect, Empathically Attune, Validate. Three little letters that create a roadmap for navigating the treacherous terrain of human connection. I've seen couples completely transform their relationship when they learn to REV their emotional engines instead of spinning their wheels in the mud of miscommunication.
The REV process starts with Reflection - simply mirroring back what your partner has shared, both content and emotion. It sounds so elementary that you might dismiss it, but I've found that most of us are terrible listeners. We're busy formulating our defense while our partner is still mid-sentence. Do you listen to respond or do you listen to understand? When was the last time you truly reflected what your partner said without immediately countering with "Yes, but..."? Reflection isn't just repeating words; it's showing them you're actually receiving their message, not just waiting for your turn to talk. It's the difference between a tennis match and a tango.
Next comes the E - Empathic Attunement - which means more than just understanding what your partner feels; it's feeling it with them. It's that moment when you set aside your own agenda and get curious about their inner world. Think of it like tuning a radio dial until the static clears and you can actually hear the music. I've watched partners literally change posture when they feel truly attuned to - shoulders relaxing, breathing deepening, voices softening. I’ve even witnessed a misty-eyed smile or two. The physiological shift is remarkable. In that moment of attunement, something profound happens: we remember we're on the same team.
Finally, there's Validation - acknowledging that your partner's feelings make sense given their perspective. This doesn't mean you have to agree with their conclusion or interpretation, just that you can see how they got there. It's saying, "Of course you'd feel that way, given what you experienced. It makes sense to me that you feel that way." That moment of validation is like oxygen to a flame - it allows the conversation to continue burning clean instead of smothering under the weight of invalidation.
This concept was first introduced to me by EFT trainers Teri Murphy & Greg Cheney during Core Skills training in Nashville back in 2023 as an important tool to use with clients. When we REV properly, we create a safe harbor in the storm of conflict, a place where both people can drop anchor and finally breathe. Recently I’ve had success pulling the curtain back a bit and teaching couples how to REV with each other when expressing hurt feelings to their partner.
I tell them to think of it as emotional first aid - sometimes it's all you need to heal.
Now on with this week’s Ohio EFT Newsletter:
Our Idea of Happiness Has Gotten Shallow. Here’s How To Deepen It.
by Susan Dominus on May 27th, 2025
We used to have a very different understanding of what it means to live well.
My Adult Kids Won’t See Their Father After Our Divorce. What Should I Do?
by Joshua Coleman on May 27, 2025
People sometimes distance themselves from one parent or another for reasons that can be complicated.
What I Tell Mothers Who Feel Rejected By Their Adult Children.
by Rachel Glik on May 27, 2025
I witness a lot of pain as a therapist, but there’s nothing quite like the sorrow of a mother estranged from her child.
Feeling Overwhelmed? Don’t Trust Your Instincts About What to Do Next.
by Samantha Boardman on May 27th, 2025
Too often, people think the best thing to do is conserve their mental energy, and do less. That isn’t going to help.
Our Next Ohio EFT Virtual Call Is This Friday, May 30th.
By Ohio EFT on May 27, 2025
Join us at 9:00am this coming Friday for our continuing online discussion about Emotionally Focused Therapy. This month we'll be continuing the discussion of takeaways from Scott Woolley's EFT & Affair Recovery workshop. You won't want to miss it. Send me a direct message here on Linked In for the link to the call.
Breaking the Cycle: Understanding and Overcoming Insecure Attachment in Relationships.
by Julie Payne on May 27th, 2025
A recent edition of Family Therapy Magazine has an excellent research article about attachment styles. They specifically dig into the connection between attachment theory and Emotionally Focused Therapy.
The Best Time To Brush Your Teeth, Eat Breakfast And Set Your Alarm (and it’s not what you think).
by Leah Hardy on May 27th, 2025
From drinking coffee to asking for a pay rise, researchers claim there is an optimal window of opportunity to do most things.
New Clues Point To Why Colorectal Cancer Is Rising In Young People.
by Trisha Pasricha on May 27th, 2025
Scientists identified a link between colorectal cancer and a toxin in the gut. Eating more fiber may help reduce your risk.
‘Alexa, What Do You Know About Us?’ What I Discovered When I Asked Amazon To Tell Me Everything My Family’s Smart Speaker Had Heard.
by Jeremy Ettenhausen on May 27th, 2025
For years, Alexa has been our on-call vet, DJ, teacher, parent, therapist and scapegoat. What secrets would the data reveal?
