I've been listening to a lot of David Bowie this month. Part of his 1982 song "Cat People (Putting Out Fire)" keeps running through my head in particular. “It’s just the fear of losing you”, Bowie croons, in a baritone rumble. “And I’ve been putting out fire…” Dramatic pause…. Then that visceral moment where his voice leaps an entire octave on the words "with gasoline."
It's brilliant and unsettling—you feel something shift when he punches those words. It leaves you feeling what someone in that position would feel: This will never work. It's dangerous. I’m going to spark an inferno.
That's exactly how I've been thinking about negative cycles after our recent Ohio EFT monthly call.
During our discussion about Stage 1, Step 2, we explored: "What metaphor do you use to help couples understand their negative cycle?" Two powerful images emerged—the jungle and the tornado—and I've been struck by how they capture different aspects of what couples experience in their destructive patterns.
Lost in the Jungle: The Individual Experience
The jungle metaphor captures that profound sense of being lost that individuals feel when trapped in the negative cycle. They're in survival mode, can't see the path forward, and they're scared. The undergrowth is so dense they can't get their bearings, and often they're blaming their partner for the mess they're in.
"If only you hadn't led us down this trail," becomes the refrain. Each person feels like they're fighting for their emotional life, but they can't see that their partner is equally lost, equally afraid, and equally convinced that the other person is the reason they're both stuck.
Caught in the Tornado: The Relational Dynamic
The tornado metaphor captures the swirling chaos of the relational dynamic itself. Couples describe feeling caught up in something bigger than either of them, something with its own destructive momentum that pulls everything into its path.
One couple I work with came up with "the wildfire"—how their arguments start small, maybe just a spark of irritation, but then suddenly everything is burning. That's Bowie's gasoline moment right there—the precise instant when manageable tension becomes explosive and dangerous.
Both Things Can Be True
What struck me after our call is that couples need both metaphors. They need to understand their individual experience of being lost and afraid (the jungle), AND they need to see the relational pattern that's bigger than either of them (the tornado).
In Step 2, I've started using both depending on what the couple needs:
For the individual stuck in blame: "It sounds like you feel completely lost in this jungle, scared and disoriented. When you're that lost, it makes sense you'd want someone to blame."
For the couple caught in escalation: "This feels like you both get pulled into this tornado where everything spins faster and faster, and afterward you're looking at the damage wondering how it got so destructive."
For integration: "So you each feel lost in your own jungle of fear, AND together you create this tornado that neither of you can control. Both things are true."
In EFT, we understand relationships can be complicated and that not always able to eliminate the fire or the gasoline. Early in the process we're helping couples understand how those two things combine to create something neither intended. Because when you're lost in the jungle AND caught in the tornado, the first step home is recognizing that you're both fighting the same storm.
Now on with this week’s Ohio EFT Newsletter:
How To Make Up After A Fight.
by Jancee Dunn on September 29th, 2025
You’re both rattled. You feel out of sorts. Here’s how to get back on track.
Why Marriage Is Increasingly for the Affluent.
by Rachel Wolfe on September 29th, 2025
The economic contract of marriage has shifted, and now young people are looking for financial stability before the wedding.
Next Time You Consult An A.I. Chatbot, Remember One Thing.
by Simar Bajaj on September 29th, 2025
Chatbots want to be your friend, when what you really need is a neutral perspective.
How to Set Strong Boundaries.
by Christina Caron on September 29th, 2025
It might sound counterintuitive, but your relationships can benefit from rules and limitations.
You Should Be Having More Sex, And Other Myths, Debunked.
by Elizabeth Bernstein on September 29th, 2025
A growing body of research is finding that some of the most commonly held beliefs about sex are wrong.
EFT Fundamentals Virtual Workshop Led By Rebecca Jorgensen - Akron Meet-Up!
by Christie Orosz, LPCC-S on September 29th, 2025
Attention all LPC, MFT, and LSW students, interns, and counselors interested in learning and applying Emotionally Focused Therapy:
Please join us at Married Life Counseling October 3rd, 2025 from 10am-5:15pm for the Fundamentals of EFT workshop!
We'll learn together the basic tenets of attachment theory, the EFT experiential perspective, core EFT interventions and understand applications of EFT to all populations. Even if you've already taken Externship or Core Skills trainings, this is a great refresher course and opportunity to meet other local counselors pursuing this growing and highly sought after modality.
Please click the link below to register and then contact me at christie@marriedlifecounseling.com to rsvp that you'll be joining us at Married Life for the day. We'll provide refreshments and camaraderie- please reach out with any questions!
Our Next Ohio EFT Virtual Call Is Friday, October 31st.
by Ohio EFT on September 29th, 2025
Join us at 9:00am Friday, October 31st, for our continuing online discussion about Emotionally Focused Therapy. We’ll be continuing our journey through the 9 steps of EFT with Step 3 this month. We’ll have the link to the call in our next newsletter.
Why The Brain Hangs On To Some Memories But Lets Others Fade.
by Annabelle Timsit on September 29th, 2025
Tying “fragile” memories to emotional events could help people remember them better in the future, researchers at Boston University believe.
How To Check What Your Teen Boy Is Doing Online.
by Julie Jargon on September 29th, 2025
The killing of Charlie Kirk is a stark reminder that the kids aren’t alright, and young men in particular need our attention.
