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Have you ever watched a new mother gazing at her infant? There's a particular look in her eyes - a cocktail of wonder, devotion, and fierce protectiveness that seems almost supernatural in its intensity. That's because it is. What we're witnessing is nature's most powerful neurochemical brew - commonly called "The Love Cocktail." As Dr. Gabor Maté recently shared with Mel Robbins in a recent podcast on trauma, this potent mixture of dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, adrenaline, and endorphins doesn't just feel good; it literally creates the foundation for how we'll experience relationships for the rest of our lives. This isn't just a metaphorical recipe - it's biological attachment in action, the very cornerstone of what we explore in Emotionally Focused Therapy.
When a mother nurses her child, oxytocin - the bonding hormone - floods both their systems, creating a synchronized snuggle-fest of connection. The mother's brain lights up in the reward centers as dopamine creates feelings of pleasure and satisfaction. Meanwhile, serotonin brings feelings of well-being and contentment, while endorphins soften the edges of physical discomfort. And… here comes the BOOM… that rush of adrenaline. That's what keeps exhausted new parents alert and responsive even after countless sleepless nights. Together, these chemicals don't just facilitate attachment - they are attachment in biological form. For the baby, this cocktail becomes the very template for safety, love, and belonging in the world. It's their first experience of the secure base that attachment theory founder John Bowlby described so eloquently.
But here's where EFT's perspective becomes crucial: what happens when the cocktail gets diluted or disrupted? When a mother is herself traumatized, depressed, or overwhelmed, the attachment elixir can be compromised. As Dr. Maté compellingly argues, the resulting attachment wounds don't just fade away - they become the blueprint for our adult relationships. In the therapy room, I've seen countless couples unknowingly reenacting these early attachment patterns. The partner who frantically pursues connection may be working from an internal model where attention was inconsistent, while the one who withdraws might be hungover from childhood, when they learned that their emotional needs were overwhelming to their caregivers. These aren't character flaws or intentional sabotage - they're adaptive strategies developed in response to how the love cocktail was served (or not served) in those critical early years.
The remarkable promise of EFT lies in its recognition that we can, essentially, remix the cocktail. Through carefully guided emotional experiences in therapy, couples can create new neurochemical patterns that begin to rewrite those early templates. When a previously distant partner risks vulnerability and is met with tender responsiveness, that's oxytocin flooding the system once more. When a typically anxious partner experiences their lover as consistently present, that's dopamine and serotonin creating new reward pathways. It's not just emotional healing - it's neurobiological renovation. Mother's Day may celebrate our first attachment figures, but the beauty of human connection is that we continue to create and refine our attachment bonds throughout life. With each secure interaction, each repaired rupture, we're mixing a better love cocktail - one that nourishes not just this relationship, but potentially generations to come.
Cheers to you, mom!
Now on with this week’s Ohio EFT Newsletter:
The Surprising Ways That Siblings Shape Our Lives.
by Susan Dominus on May 12th, 2025
Parents try everything to influence their children. But research suggests our brothers and sisters can have their own profound impact.
3 Things A Couples Therapist Wants You To Do For Your Relationship.
by Catherine Pearson on May 12, 2025
Terry Real shares simple strategies for surviving fights and maintaining long-term intimacy.
Your Brain Is Biased To Negativity. Here’s How To Be More Positive.
by Katherine Kam on May 12, 2025
Negativity bias may have evolved to help us survive. But it also can ramp up our anxiety.
I Have Agoraphobia. Here’s What I Do When I’m Afraid To Go Outdoors.
by Haruka Aoki on May 12th, 2025
Helpful coping tips to handle the shame and anxiety some clients feel when their agoraphobia relapses.
Our Next Ohio EFT Virtual Call Is Friday, May 30th.
by Ohio EFT on May 12th, 2025
Join us at 9:00am on the last Friday of May for our continuing online discussion about Emotionally Focused Therapy. This month we’ll be continuing the discussion of takeaways from Scott Woolley’s EFT & affair recovery workshop. You won’t want to miss it!
Go Delete Yourself From The Internet. Seriously, Here’s How.
by Nicole Nguyen on May 12th, 2025
Find your data, request removal…and repeat.
New EFT Group Supervision Opportunities.
by Dr. Allison Fagan on May 12th, 2025
Dr. Fagan is forming two groups: one for folks who have completed or are in the midst of Core Skills advanced training, and another for folks who have completed Externship or similar.
She says groups would meet for 90 minutes for an in-person group or 60 minutes for a virtual group, at a mutually convenient time. She is asking for a 6 month commitment and with a maximum of 6 people a group. Note: The rate per person would depend on the number of people in the group, and if it is a 90-minute in-person group or a 60 minute virtual group. That means fees range from from $33 per person per session if there are 6 people in a virtual 60 minute group (or a total of $198) to $100 per person per session if there are 3 people in a 90-minute in person group (or a total of $600). Contact Dr. Fagan at Relationship Counseling of Ohio for more information.
An Ancient Key To Happiness.
by Jancee Dunn on May 12th, 2025
You have to keep two things in check, say experts.
