“All the world’s a stage,
And all the men & women merely players.”
- William Shakespeare
When families come in, we often hear about how one identified patient is the “problem;” the wild child won’t get out of bed in the morning, the deadbeat dad won’t take our children to soccer practice, and the helicopter mom won’t let our son start playing football. In systemic therapies like EFT, we argue there is no single problem person: issues exist within the family’s interactional patterns. These patterns are useful to the family, as they allow the family to go into autopilot and to not have to think (and more importantly, feel) all the time. If we go onto autopilot, what’s the route we take?
To answer that, we need to go back to the Seven Years War in England. Without going too far into England’s Naval policies during the 1700’s (I know you are simply dying to), there was an admiral named John Byng who, without knowing what to do, abandoned his fort and was shot for it. Admiral Byng became a symbol for incompetence in Britain, and this stereotype hurt his family for generations. A couple centuries later, relative and family therapist John Byng-Hall wrote a book that would rewrite his last name’s meaning to the world, a book titled Rewriting Family Scripts.
In this book, Dr. Byng-Hall forged an idea that families follow a sort of “script” that they are given by their families of origin and by society at large; family members are expected to act a certain way by important attachment figures, indirectly (or sometimes, directly) telling people that they are a certain type of person who will always act this way as if it is their “role.” By following these scripts, families are able to “keep the peace” and function on a sustainable level (or if you’re currently studying for the MFT exam like I am, keeping homeostasis). While Dr. Byng-Hall argued too many script types exist to label, he thought it essential to detail how attachment styles were a kind of script given to a family; many families' autopilot can unknowingly lead them to having high anxiety and/or high avoidance in their relationships to others! Other types of family scripts include the problem-solving script (think of the helicopter mom flying in to save the day), the tragic script (the wild child believes no matter what he does will hurt his family, so why change), and replicative scripts (the deadbeat father reflects on how his parents didn't pay much attention to him and he turned out fine).
While reading these, you probably have images of clients you have seen before who would default to these scripts, and they are challenging to rewrite! Luckily, EFT's attachment and systemic focus are uniquely suited for this work! Dr. Byng-Hall argued that families should “improvise” and purposefully change their scripts to truly meet each other’s attachment needs. Changing how attachment family works can be horrifying: a completely novel experience that can invoke anxiety into anyone. To truly improvise, Dr. Byng-Hall argued a family must have secure attachment with each family member and with their therapist so they can create and use their own special resources, weathering the storm that is changing intergenerational scripts. EFT helps families get to that emotional core that forces us to rewrite our scripts, to admit our attachment needs, and feel secure enough that we can explore. In EFT, belonging begets becoming.
Editors Note: Our guest writer this week is Garrett Price, MPH. Mr. Price is currently an MFT Trainee in Columbus, OH and is working on a Marriage & Family Therapy master’s degree at The Ohio State University. He can be found here on LinkedIn and can be reached by email at price.1861@osu.edu.
Now on with this week’s Ohio EFT Newsletter:
8 Phrases To Help Your Relationship Thrive.
by Catherine Pearson on September 15th, 2025
We asked couples therapists to share the magic words that can strengthen bonds, even in the middle of a disagreement.
Divorce Plunged in Kentucky. Equal Custody For Fathers Is A Big Reason Why.
by Rachel Wolfe on September 15th, 2025
A law setting 50-50 shared custody as the state’s standard was hailed as a victory for fathers, but critics say it puts mothers and children at risk.
If You Use AI For Therapy, Here Are 5 Things Experts Recommend.
by Richard Sima on September 15th, 2025
Generative AI chatbots are available and accessible, and people are using them. Here are some best practices, as recommended by mental health experts.
The College Drop-Off Is Done And The Nest Is Empty. Now What?
by Clare Ansberry on September 15th, 2025
After years of managing school, play dates and activities, parents have to find a new day job.
‘Sex And Love Addiction’ Isn’t A Diagnosis, But It Can Be Debilitating.
by Christina Caron on September 15th, 2025
Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of “Eat, Pray, Love,” delves into her struggle with an obsessive relationship in a new memoir.
EFT Fundamentals Virtual Workshop Led By Rebecca Jorgensen - Akron Meet-Up!
by Christie Orosz, LPCC-S on September 15th, 2025
Attention all LPC, MFT, and LSW students, interns, and counselors interested in learning and applying Emotionally Focused Therapy:
Please join us at Married Life Counseling October 3rd, 2025 from 10am-5:15pm for the Fundamentals of EFT workshop!
We'll learn together the basic tenets of attachment theory, the EFT experiential perspective, core EFT interventions and understand applications of EFT to all populations. Even if you've already taken Externship or Core Skills trainings, this is a great refresher course and opportunity to meet other local counselors pursuing this growing and highly sought after modality.
Please click the link below to register and then contact me at christie@marriedlifecounseling.com to rsvp that you'll be joining us at Married Life for the day. We'll provide refreshments and camaraderie- please reach out with any questions!
Our Next Ohio EFT Virtual Call Is Friday, September 26th.
by Ohio EFT on September 15th, 2025
Join us at 9:00am Friday, September 26th, for our continuing online discussion about Emotionally Focused Therapy. We’ll be continuing our journey through the 9 steps of EFT with Step 2 this month. Here’s the link.
How To Get A Complainer To Stop, According To A Therapist.
by Leslie Alderman on September 15th, 2025
Complaining can foster camaraderie and establish common ground, but when it becomes excessive, it can annoy listeners and wreck relationships.
When to book cheap holiday flights, according to Google.
by Natalie B. Compton on September 15th, 2025
'Tis the season for stressful travel. Get your plans in order ASAP.
