I remember it like it was yesterday: I was at the Oxmoor Center mall in Louisville, KY with my family waiting in line to meet Santa Claus. I was clutching my wish list nervously, hoping I could read my own poor seven-year old handwriting. After what felt like years of waiting, I finally got to see the jolly man in red. He called me up to sit on his lap, and in a husky voice asked me “what do you want for Christmas this year?” I was so anxious I had to pull up my wish-list. “I want…to feel securely attached to my future romantic partner and an autographed-copy of The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy by Dr. Sue Johnson!”
Okay, I may have made that up, but the sentiment is there: with seeing so many attachment figures this holiday season, it would be nice to be able to feel like those people A.R.E. there for us (Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged) and vice versa. With the spirit of giving, I thought it would be fun to explore the research literature on presents and attachment styles!
Two studies conducted by Hieu Nguyen and James Munch found that attachment styles are associated with both gift giving pleasure and gift giver obligation (they were mediation and moderation analyses, one of my personal favorite stats tests to do!). One study focused on anxiously-attached gift recipients and the other focused on avoidantly-attached gift recipients.
The first study found that anxiously attached gift-givers report feeling less of an obligation to give gifts to secure recipients than giving gifts to anxious recipients. It’s important to note they also found that relationship satisfaction plays a role in feeling obligated to give a gift to someone. The other study found that avoidant and secure gift-givers experience less pleasure giving gifts to avoidant recipients compared to secure recipients. This relationship is actually fully explained by relationship satisfaction; since avoidant givers have lower relationship satisfaction, that explains the connection.
So…what can you give to your partner, securely-attached or not? Interestingly (and sadly), it may be something you can’t buy at the Oxmoor Mall: more affirmation and quality time. These aspects may sound familiar to you: these are two of Gary Chapman’s Five love languages, right? Yes, and the other three (gift giving, acts of service, and physical touch) may not be as important this holiday season. A recent study found that speaking your partner’s love language, including if it’s gift giving, may not have as much of an impact on your relationship compared to just words of affirmation and quality time. Luckily, an article discussed a way to navigate our attachment dilemma. Consider giving an experience as a gift, like World Cup tickets, rather than yet another Browns hoodie. It’s about quality time! A study did find that experiential gifts foster greater relational strengths than material gifts due to the strong emotions felt while using the gift compared to receiving it. Here’s a graph from the study showing how much stronger experiential gifts were; even experiential gifts that did not involve the gift-giver had higher relationship changes than material gifts!
With all of this in mind, maybe the best gift you can give is an experience with the people you love. Tie some tinsel around “together time”. Come to think of it… maybe Mariah Carey knew all along that secure attachment is the secret sauce for her smash holiday hit. I mean… “All I Want For Christmas Is You” IS the only Christmas song with 2 BILLION streams on Spotify. Turn it up!
Now on with this week’s Ohio EFT Newsletter:
‘Weaponized Incompetence’ Can Harm Relationships. Here’s How To Counter It.
by Jelena Kecmanovic on December 8th, 2025
Here’s what to do if you think your partner is ducking their responsibilities.
Everyone Uses This Coping Strategy. When Does It Become A Problem?
by Christina Caron on December 8th, 2025
“Masking” is part of life, especially for those with autism or A.D.H.D. But hiding your true self comes with a cost.
Scientists Find Mind Trick That Unlocks Lost Memories.
by Angelia Ruskin University on December 8th, 2025
By altering how people perceive their own bodies, scientists have found a way to help unlock long-lost childhood memories.
Ohio EFT Meet & Eat In Columbus Friday, January 16th, 2026
by Ohio EFT on December 8th, 2025
We are excited to announce the first of what we hope will be many gatherings across Ohio! Welcome all EFTs, MFTs, Systems Therapists, and those want to to meet systems therapists or learn about couples therapy and EFT are welcome to join us for a casual meet and eat.
Location: Hounddogs Pizza
2657 N High St, Columbus, OH 43202
Time: 2pm-5pm
For more information and answers to any questions, email chris@ohioeft.com.
Does The ‘Fertility Cliff’ Really Hit At 35?
by Dani Blum on December 8th, 2025
The idea that the chances of getting pregnant plummet at 35 is widespread. But it’s not totally true.
Ghostlighting And 3 Other Dating ‘Orange Flags’ You Should Watch Out For.
by Sarah Gundle on December 8th, 2025
As a therapist, I have noticed four behavior patterns that can derail a relationship and prevent authentic connection.
The Ohio EFT Virtual Call Is A Week Earlier This Month - Friday, December 19th.
by Ohio EFT on December 8th, 2025
Join us at 9:00am on Friday, December 19th, for our continuing online discussion about Emotionally Focused Therapy. It will be a week earlier than usual due to the Christmas holiday weekend. We’ve been taking a journey through the 9 steps of EFT, covering Step 3 back in October. However, in November we changed it up a bit and tackled something big: “Everything You Wanted To Know About Attachment But Were Afraid To Ask”. The conversations was so spirited we thought we would continue this month with “Everything Attachment - Part 2”.
Here’s a link to the call. Hope to see you there!
The Simplest Ways To Support The Caregivers In Your Life.
by Elizabeth Passerella on December 8th, 2025
We set up meal trains when someone has a baby. What can we do for people who are taking care of adults?
Before Your Doctor Uses AI To Record Your Visits, Ask These Questions.
by Saeed Akhlaghpour on December 8th, 2025
AI scribes are transforming medical appointments, often for the better. But it’s best to understand them before you give your consent.
